sadness

sadness is like a wall you have to climb over. everyday, you are given something to stack on top of each other to help you over the wall. sometimes the stack becomes high enough for your eyes to look over the top, and even though you aren't over, you feel relief. then the things you've stacked fall out from under you, and you feel worse than before. and you begin to look back too much and you lose sight of stacking the objects back up again. and you feel like you'll never feel better. but for some reason, you remember the wall, and you stack those things back up again. over time, you lift yourself up and over. and each time you do this, your muscles get stronger, and you choose to let your heart get harder or softer in the process.

my heart becomes softer, stronger, but frustratingly not wiser, with each time. i keep running toward those whose hearts are hard. almost as soon as they let me in, they shut me out. and each time, they give me a new wall to climb over.

My jam

Turn my swag on

Warpaint

Billie Holiday

"I'll catch you if you fall."

There's nowhere for regret to go
when it first sets in
After a few days, maybe months
it fades
And you're free
to make the same mistake again

If you are there
and I am here
How will you catch me?

I think too much.
I've thought too much of you.

This is goodbye

I can see it in your eyes
What I know in my heart is true
That our love it has faded
Like the summer run through
So we'll walk down the shoreline
One last time together
Feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts
Like a feather
But who knows what's waiting
In the wings of time
Dry your eyes
We gotta go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow
Or clinging to the past
With your beauty so precious
And the season so fast
No matter how cold the horizon appear
Or how far the first night
When I held you near
You gotta rise from these ashes
Like a bird of flame
Step out of the shadow
We've gotta go where we can shine

For all that we struggle
For all we pretend
It don't come down to nothing
Except love in the end
And ours is a road
That is strewn with goodbyes
But as it unfolds
As it all unwinds
Remember your soul is the one thing
You can't compromise
Take my hand
We're gonna go where we can shine

-David Gray

Talking to my grandfather is sometimes like reading Steinbeck.

I used to play here

a screen porch

"A family that runs together is skinny together."

I'm confident in the fact that I'm not confident.

His coolness is unnerving.

i daydream a lot about tripping and falling in front of people.
down stairs.
or getting my foot caught on something shin high.
i fall
arms outstretched
in slow motion.

"You're so incredible."

"Thanks. I don't know you."

"That's ok. You're incredible."

"Ok... 

I think you're incredible."

"I don't think we should talk anymore."

I always thought it was them
I guess it's always been me
One day we won't run

"That's not how I feel."

he said / she said

And if you don't love me, let me go / If you love me, let me go